The modern, three-meals-a day rule for the average human being would have struck his primitive forebears as hopelessly unachievable, besides being   gluttony of the most boastful sort. 

They weren’t at the top of the food chain then, you see?  Besides, running down prey with spears might get you a meal once every three days or so and that was about it. 

Which is why they rarely got heart attacks or worried about their weight, or lipid profiles. Between T Rex and the occasional pterodactyl, they had enough to worry about without fretting about acid reflux or halitosis. The latter condition, unfortunately, was a given in those pre-Colgate days so it’s pretty much doubtful if they ever felt anxious about body odour, for instance.  

As I continue this examination of history across the broad sweep of human civilisation, you will notice there isn’t anything as   outlandish as vegetarianism or veganism being mentioned. That’s because it didn’t exist – everyone was carnivore and that was it. 

There was, of course, a persistent legend around the Jurassic Period, about The One Who Wouldn’t, a woman who only ate fruits, or roots, but it must have been a myth because no one had ever met herbivore. 

The avoidance of meat only emerged centuries later, after man reached the Agricultural Age and learned to tame, breed and rear livestock for his own needs. Although the term “vegan” was coined in the late 20^th Century by an American, the practice did not originate in the West. On the contrary, vegetarianism    began in   India and was spurred on by the religions of Hinduism, Jainism and Buddhism: many of its practices frown on the consumption of meat.

The etymology of the word underscores this point. Standout example: the word “vegetarian” is derived from an ancient Sanskrit word meaning “lousy hunter.” 

In any case, vegetarianism only began to flourish after man reached the top of the food chain. I should know as my mother was a “pure” vegetarian – she disdained eggs as well – and those effects have rubbed off on me. Not all of them though: I haven’t reached the stage of apologetically, but no less suspiciously, sniffing Rebecca’s plates for the lingering odours of eggs fried long ago. 

I exaggerate, of course, but some of my mother’s genetics, taste-wise, linger in the son. Organ meats, some fish, all shellfish and lots of stuff considered yummy by Jaime Oliver fill me with the horror people reserve for slugs: Mr Oliver might dispute that as well. 

It took years for me to consider pork as a food, and even then, I’m not a great fan although there is much to be said about bacon-wrapped, asparagus spears lightly sauteed in butter.  

But I digress. 

We were talking about veganism and what the Guardian describes as its “unstoppable” rise. Even fast-food restaurants are serving mock meats (Impossible burger, anyone?). 

My daughter Raisa no longer adds cow’s milk to her coffee: we have to stock oat milk when she visits. On a separate note, I’m damned if I know how to milk oats. 

Veganism is all about animal rights, climate change, and saving the world, apparently. Add health to the mix and they have almost completely taken over the moral high ground. 

Maybe they should be advised of the following facts. It isn’t true that vegetarians love animals, they just hate plants. Also, cows and sheep are vegetarian so that you don’t have to be.

Finally, no one likes vegans or wants to invite them to parties. Like breaking wind, it’s an unspoken fact: it’s just too much hassle. 

Not that they care. They remain proud and unashamed about being vegan. No matter what people say…

…they don’t carrot all. 

ENDS