ALAS, POOR BOJO

It turns out that what people thought was a sign of Boris Johnson’s  clear conscience was actually his notoriously bad memory.

Case in point:  the former British prime minister was turned away from a polling station on Thursday for forgetting to bring his voter identification card.

Ironically, it was Mr Johnson who introduced the  contentious 2022 requirement when he was in office in the first place. 

British media reported that Johnson, who quit in 2022 following a scandal-ridden premiership, was initially turned away at a polling station in Oxfordshire, southern England, while trying to vote in local elections taking place across the country.

A spokesman said Johnson had voted Conservative but did not deny that the ex-PM had initially failed to produce the said ID.

As prime minister, Johnson’s government introduced the ID requirement to crack down on possible voter fraud but it was heavily criticised for its potential to disenfranchise parts of the electorate. 

Previously, voters only needed to give their name and address to be able to vote.

Last year, in the first vote where the new rules were implemented, around 14,000 people in England were denied a vote in local elections after being unable to provide an ID.

To Malaysian eyes, the need for a photo ID seems perfectly reasonable and the criticism against it, baffling if not a little thick. 

As if to underscore “thick”, it appears that a recent survey by YouGov showed that 14% of Britons were still unaware of the voter ID requirement.

When he was Premier, Mr Johnson often came across as a  bumbling, self-deprecating, slightly rumpled sort of fellow who always seemed in need of a haircut. 

It might have been a carefully contrived persona but he certainly seemed to have a bad memory. It could have a  lot to do with his fluctuating weight: he would walk into a room without knowing why and usually end up at the fridge looking for a clue.  

The enduring irony about his tenure was that he led the Conservative Party to the heights of popularity only to be forced to resign two years later over a series of scandals that, truth be told, would have seemed only mildly irksome in Malaysia. 

It is a credit to the UK that its people will not put up with serial lying. Here we would have dismissed it as having déjà vu and amnesia at the same time: when one realises that he’s lied about the same thing previously. 

One former premier, now languishing in jail, suffered from that curious malady for most of his ten-year tenure. He usually took something for it – loot – until he was forcibly ejected from office. 

Again, one is struck by the apparent apathy of the Malaysian populace that it can actually  countenance the ”forgiving” – house arrest? – of a criminal who stole billions from his country while in a position of trust. 

Its mere notion would have been pilloried in the UK. 

Indeed, it seems strange that  Mr Johnson is now held in such low esteem by the British public.  Donald Trump brought shame to his country but is now odds-on favourite to return as President. 

Mr Johnson’s unpopularity seems to have shifted to the Conservative Party which could face a heavy defeat at the next general election.

The Labour Party, the Conservatives main rival, is in a happy place. It does  not have to do much; it just needs not to spectacularly screw up any time soon. 

The man waiting in the wings is Keir Starmer, 61, a dour looking politician who seems all but sure of becoming the UK’s next leader. 

He does not, apparently, have memory issues. In fact, his memory is so much like an elephant that the beasts frequently consult him.

ENDS

A SPRING IN OUR STEP 

We landed in Geneva during its watch convention, meaning if it wasn’t Patek, it was Phillippe, and all the hotels were full. 

The room we got reminded me of Hong Kong, those rooms where you can’t fling a cat, that is if you were in a mind to fling a feline around, I suppose. 

It also did not have a bed. 

We realised it was up on the wall and had to pull those levers down to assemble a bed that ended inches away from a television screen showing an unshave, gun-toting Clint Eastwood snarling threats, in impeccable French, to a tattooed villain.  

“Mon Dieu,” exclaimed Rebecca and hastened to the front desk where she convinced a sympathetic lady to give us a nicer room. It had 9 channels in English too.  

But it was stifling with no air-conditioning.  The front desk was desolee but the air-con was only available in spring which was, apparently, tomorrow.  

We opened a window. Translation:  we retired at around 21 degrees and woke up, shivering, at 14 degrees. It was 6 degrees outside then.  

Rebecca was in Geneva on Apec-business, and I’d never been. We flew to Switzerland by way of Amsterdam where we caught up with Raisa, our daughter.  

Hannes took us to Keukenhof in Lisse the next day. It’s open once a year for eight weeks. One of the largest spring gardens in the world, it’s home to 7 million flowers (mainly tulips) over 80 acres of lovingly maintained parkland. 

We tip-toed through the tulips, and the hyacinths, daffodils, lilies and sakura. We were told that the larger tulips bloom only in mid- April. 

The Dutch know how to put on a show. The reds ranged from fire engine blazing to almost-burgundy. And I had no idea there were so many shades of pink, all the way from coral pink to cherry blossom – ok, Raisa read the labels.  

There’s something about a sun dappled park in crisp 16-degree weather. There must be because I saw a woman hugging a tree in seeming ecstasy. The tree itself seemed impassive but who knew? 

It all added up. The flowers, its sights and smells, the children, the dogs and a man selling ice-cream: it brings out the best in people. They smile at one another and, for a second, you can almost imagine that better world. 

The Swiss think it begins by the shores of Lake Geneva, one of the largest lakes in Europe and mostly in Switzerland except that 40% juts into France. 

A cold wind blew off its waters as we walked along the shore and marvelled at its beauty – no plastic or trash, only a clear, green blue body of deep water silhouetted against faraway mountains of blue, and framed against a postcard- perfect, snow-capped Mount Blanc. 

Our friends Sulyn and Azmil generously took us to Café de Paris for dinner. It was a legendary place, where Hemingway had supped many times. It was packed, that night and every night for the foreseeable future. 

I don’t know why.  

You are served immediately because everyone, even, presumably, Ernest, gets the same thing. Steak (sadly only tenderloin), salad, and chips. Your only choices are the meat’s “done-ness” and your drink. 

The ambrosial glue holding the meal together is, apparently, the butter sauce. It is, of course, a secret recipe but it is said Ernest swooned in delight and had to lean on the restorative benefits of a bottle of cognac to recover. 

Ordinary mortals need not fear though: the butter is, apparently, sold at a Village Grocer near you. 

ENDS

THE ART OF THE POSSIBLE 

According to a poll that I’ve just concluded, the average person’s favourite mythical creature isn’t the phoenix, Tinkerbelle, the unicorn, or Hagrid.

It’s the honest politician. 

In Malaysia, they’re about as common as dragons. In fact, when a neighbouring ex-Minister of Transport was charged with accepting “gifts” like theatre and plane tickets worth almost S$600,000, the incredulous “what was he thinking?” sentiment from our local politicos wasn’tas much about the alleged dishonesty as its alleged scale. 

It was pure disbelief. “So little-ah?” 

That’s why we must be the only country where a former premier who stole more than Midas ever accumulated sees no irony in his appeal to allow him to serve out the rest of his sentence in the luxury of his well-appointed home. 

Now everyone can understand “a sense of entitlement.” 

It was a novel approach though, and it appealed to Donald Trump’s keen sense of justice and fair play. “Fair’s fair,” said The Donald who was a staunch conservative who believed, like Jibby and other staunch conservatives, that he deserved everything he’d stolen. 

You might say both George Bernard Shaw and Napoleon Bonaparte were prescient: they’d predicted the rise of someone like Trump way back when. 

Shaw was blunt. “He knows nothing but thinks he knows everything: that points clearly to a political career.”  Napoleon might just have been a shrewd observer of the human condition. In politics, he noted, “stupidity isn’t a handicap.”  

Forty-six years after his death, Shaw’s description of a future US President seems spot on. Meanwhile, Napoleon’s observation could explain the man’s tremendous popularity among the people. That is why, statistically speaking, half the American populace think the other half’s crazy.

And so, despite a reputation as a woman-assaulting, flag-waving, steak-inhaling, ozone depleting, seal clubbing, greenhouse gas-emitting, non-tax paying, serial lying, narcissistic troglodyte of the best sort, Mr Trump is a cinch to win the Republican nomination for the Presidency. 

And there is a very good chance he will go on to become the US’ next President. 

It might be said that the coming election is the incumbent Joe Biden’s one to lose. His “Sleepy Joe-out-to-lunch” style of governance has won him no plaudits and few favours.

In the context of previous presidential elections, it reminds me of the quip made by comedian Mort Sahl after the 1980 election: “Reagan won because he ran against Jimmy Carter. If he ran unopposed, he would have lost.” 

I suppose I should not comment on another country’s politics but it’s mostly out of fear. The US is the most powerful country on Earth with enough weaponry to destroy the world several times over – so an assessment of the man with his finger on the trigger seems appropriate. 

Then again, what do we Malaysians know? 

We’re the same ones who, in 2013, re-elected the world’s biggest kleptocrat. Some of us publicly deplore racial and religious rhetoric but privately condone, even applaud it. 

To quote Bob Hope, it even gives dirty politics a bad name. 

ENDS

FEAR OF FRYING 

Historians have noted that the world moved from being flat to round to simply, being crooked. 

But consider its scale. If the Malaysian duo of Fearless and Felonious (Malaysian ex-premier Najib Razak and  Jho Low) rewrote global fraud records with their US$5 billion heist in  2011, a new fraudster has emerged to rain upon their charade.  

On Thursday, Judge Lewis Kaplan sentenced former crypto tycoon Sam Bankman-Fried  to 25 years for stealing US$8 billion from customers of his now-bankrupt FTX cryptocurrency exchange.

Crypto, as everyone knows, is the new Greek as in “it’s all crypto to me.” Even its root, “cryptic” is from the  Greek “hidden” and comes across as “mysterious” or “obscure.” 

Which sums up cryptocurrency. Essentially, it’s a digital currency that’s created from encryption technologies. These technologies mean they function both as a currency and as a virtual accounting system. You might say it’s gold for nerds. 

Cryptocurrencies have become increasingly accepted as a medium of exchange worldwide. All one needs to trade in it is a cryptocurrency wallet with your own PIN number. And even God can’t help if you forget your PIN.  

None of the developed countries have recognised digital currencies as legal tender but that could change. Presently, El Salvador is the only  country that  recognises bitcoin as legal tender.   

For students of history, it was actually Felonious who hit upon the idea of a cryptocurrency way back when. He thought he would call it Decibel. It was a word that resonated with him and it had all the hallmarks of a sound investment. But 1MDB was, shall we say, simpler and, like Everest, was there for the taking.

But I digress. 

If there are cryptocurrencies, there must be exchanges where it can be traded. Bankman’s FTX was the third largest exchange in the US with over a million users. 

It went bankrupt in 2022 after a spike in depositor withdrawals revealed a massive US$8 billion hole in its accounts. Criminal charges weren’t far behind for Bankman, a math prodigy once estimated by Forbes to be worth US$26 billion. 

Bankman, 32, was found  guilty in November 2023 on fraud and conspiracy charges in what prosecutors called one of the biggest financial frauds in US history.

Kaplan said the sentence reflected “that there is a risk that this man will be in a position to do something very bad in the future. And it’s not a trivial risk at all.”

To his credit,  Bankman-Fried stood and apologised. “A lot of people feel really let down. And they were very let down. And I’m sorry about that. I’m sorry about what happened at every stage,” he said. “My useful life is probably over. It’s been over for a while now, from before my arrest.”

It could have been a lot worse for him. Bankman-Fried could have received up to 110 years behind bars for his crimes. The 25-year sentence was also less than the 40-50 years that the prosecution sought.

The leniency may have come from his effective altruism. The former magnate had believed in donating all or part of one’s wealth to charity rather than, say, volunteering at a soup kitchen. And he had donated liberally in the past.  

Even so, he had embezzled customer funds systematically and over a long period. 

“The defendant victimised tens of thousands of people and companies, across several continents, over a period of multiple years. He stole money from customers across several continents who entrusted it to him,” prosecutors said.

If it all sounds familiar, it is. The only difference is that our duo screwed an entire country. 

Bankman just screwed his clients. They couldn’t bank on him and they got fried. 

ankmanENDS

DON’T WORRY, BE HAPPY 

For 52 years after independence, Malaysia wasn’t that well known internationally. 

Then Najib Razak aka Fearless Leader happened. 

You might say Fearless put Malaysia on the world map. For a moment in time, we were the globe’s experts in international money laundering. Even Bernie Madoff bowed his head in tribute when no less an authority than the US’ Department of Justice declared Fearless’ 1Malaysia Development Bhd (1MDB) wealth fund the largest “theft” in world history.

Fearless et al helped invent a new word – kleptocracy – while whole forests had to be felled to supply the newsprint required to explain the fraud’s magnitude to the world. Books have been written. And a 1MDB movie has been made by Netflix. 

Hollywood might take a trifle longer as it was, apparently, smitten by the conspicuous extravagance lavished it by Fearless’ portly partner, the champagne-swilling Felonious aka Jho Low. Incidentally, the latter is the protagonist in Netflix’s Man on the Run.

You’d be amazed by how many friends a country’s money can buy. 

It is by way of this circuitous route that I’ve arrived at the reason behind my blog this week. 

I read, with some incredulity, that Malaysia’s overall happiness had apparently plunged since Fearless’ status changed from Former PeeEm to First Felon. 

This is the contention of one Lim Sian See, a social media influencer. Mr Lim said that Malaysia’s ranking in the World Happiness Report saw a continuous drop after Fearless was defeated in the 2018 general election.

Mr Lim said Malaysia’s happiness ranking had been rising throughout Fearless’ tenure. The index was introduced by the United Nations in 2013 while Fearless was leader from 2009 till 2018, at which point  the ”happy” people of Malaysia kicked him out.

It was therefore the same cheery lot that allowed  justice to take its course and, subsequently, consigned him to prison.

Ever the pedant, Mr Lim pointed out that Malaysia was ranked 56th in 2013 in the index and climbed to 35th in 2018, making it the second “happiest” country in Asean after Singapore.

Along those lines, Bhutan is the “happiest” country in the world. It may, of course, be entirely due to its yak butter but there does not seem to be many people queuing up to become its citizens.

Even so, Mr Lim is  convinced by his arguments.

“After Najib fell, Malaysia’s ranking in this index kept falling and was slowly overtaken by other Asean countries,” he said in a doleful Facebook post.

Based on the report, Malaysia dropped from the 55th happiest country in the world in 2023 to the 59th position this year.

In the 2024 World Happiness Report, Singapore ranked 30, the Philippines (53), Vietnam (54), Thailand (58), Indonesia (80), Laos (94), and Cambodia (119).

Even so, I’m amazed that Malaysia, at its 59th spot, continues to be as happy as it is.

After Fearless’ ouster, Malaysians learnt the following facts: 

We are among the most indebted countries in Asean with over RM1.5 trillion in debt. 

The 1MDB fiasco didn’t just cost us US$4.5 billion but US$12.3 billion due to accumulated debt taken on to service 1MDB’s obligations. 

The scale and scope of corruption in Fearless’ administration was frightening.  And trust agencies once deemed sacred – the Pension’s Fund, Felda, the Pilgrims Fund, the Armed Forces Pension Fund – were looted to cover up the fraud.  

Moreover, even after his conviction by three progressively higher Courts, Fearless never apologised to the Malaysian people. Nor has he shown any remorse.  

You’d be depressed, too, if you’d just learnt these facts. Indeed, I’d say most Malaysians are as happy as Felonious being informed the champagne had run out. 

But Felonious had never run out of champagne. He knew that all happiness depended on a leisurely breakfast.

ENDS

EATING YOUR WAY TO THE PRESIDENCY 

The English contribution to world cuisine – the chip. – British actor and comedian John Cleese

If you want to politically succeed in France, it’s not by way of the Lloyd George rule. The former British premier had suggested keeping one’s conscience “well under control.” 

Being pragmatists, the French were more than likely to agree on this but would have added diet to the mix. 

Egg-zactly, zey would have eggs-claimed. More precisely, they would have suggested an omelette.

Not just any frittata. No, it’s the one from Mont Saint Michel, an island off Normandy – a region in the north of France.  Specifically, it’s the one from the Restaurant de la Mère Poulard which has been serving the public since 1888.

Some background first. The French take their cooking very seriously. It’s like, to make a croissant from scratch, you have to first create the universe. It’s like that sort of grand. 

I mean, I can melt butter with the best of them, but so can a hot day.  Most people mix flour and water and make glue but a Frenchman with artistry in his soul and passion in his heart can make a little miracle: with those ingredients plus a little salt and yeast, he can make a baguette.

Toasted and lightly buttered, they go down a treat especially during breakfast. It’s highly prized by those sections of the French military with a sense of history. Throughout the 20th century, those humble bread rolls have sustained countless French armies marching their way towards surrender. 

But we were talking about omelettes and their impact on politics, weren’t we? 

That particular omelette was invented by one Annette Poulard, a master chef whom Michelin himself had his eye on.  She had been running an inn on the island and she created the omelette to cater to pilgrims visiting the abbey on Mont Saint Michel.

Apparently, guests could only reach the island by land during low tide and, as such, would arrive at all hours. Poulard would quickly prepare her omelette of eggs, salt, pepper and local butter so that her guests could have something to eat while waiting for a more substantial meal.

But the egg dish was as light as a souffle and just as delicious. Couple that to the French love for superstition – they’d been the ones who invented triskaidekaphobia to begin with – and Bob’s your Uncle! 

Actually, Uncle Robert had nothing to do with it but, over the years, a legend developed that those politicians who eat the Omelette de la mère Poulard would go on to be  President of France.

The legend dates back to the contest for the Presidency between Georges Clemenceau and Paul Deschanel in 1920. While in the running, Clemenceau visited Poulard but did not eat her omelette as she was unwell at the time. Deschanel, however, did and won the race.  

Since then, it has been noted that those who won all ate the omelette – such as Charles de Gaulle, who made a family visit to Mont Saint Michel in October 1957 before going on to win another term as President in 1958.

Nicolas Sarkozy actually launched his 2007 presidential campaign in Mont Saint Michel. Indeed, he thoughtfully chomped his way through several omelettes – you couldn’t be too careful – before going on to win his campaign.

But that was then and even urban legends, like old generals, have to fade away. Emmanuel Macron thought the whole superstition fowl and he refused the omelette, preferring another egg dish for breakfast. 

He thought boiled eggs were hard to beat. 

ENDS

EASIER SAID THAN DONE

I couldn’t believe my eyes. 

I rarely read the papers as it’s depressing.  But on occasion – this column, for instance – I must trawl for ideas, and you know what they say about beggars. 

And there it was. An item in Star Online, about the government contemplating an Act of Parliament to curb rent seeking. 

Imagine that! 

Do Malaysian business people know what rent seeking is? That’s like asking if the Ayatollah’s Muslim? They may not know its meaning, neither did they invent it, but they know the practice. In fact, they’ve taken it to Everest-like heights. Rent seeking is the practice of manipulating public policy or economic conditions as a strategy for increasing profits. 

Unfortunately, a pivotal public policy in Malaysia facilitates, nay, encourages such behaviour. 

Since 1971, the New Economic Policy has sought to uplift the country’s poorer Bumiputeras (indigenes and largely Malays) into economic parity with their richer countrymen. 

Where the Malay corporate and industrial community’s concerned, it’s taken various forms including quotas, licenses, permits, contracts, concessions, even outright grants. There isn’t any estimate, but many billions of taxpayer dollars would have been spent by now.   

They’ve been used to reshape industry. Take autos. In the 70s, it was dominated by the Chinese. The government decreed that approved permits (APs) would have to be obtained to import and sell cars in the country.

It created an effective monopoly. Cars became more expensive and the favoured few became very rich. 

One, so much so that he went into helicopters in a big way. At least, it demonstrated his entrepreneurial flair. 

The rest remain dependent on patronage and get outraged when their entitlement is threatened. 

Standout example: they weren’t happy campers when Tesla was recently allowed to import and sell its own cars without jumping through hoops – like having to go through an AP dealer, or Tesla having to sell some of its local equity to a Malay partner. 

The hoops, in the context of state protection from competition, are everything. 

Meanwhile, there are other items – from sugar and onions to flour and steel products – that require import licenses. It creates more “rents” – only selected businessmen need apply – and inflates prices.  

Under Dr Mahathir’s premiership, new rents were created and not necessarily for Bumiputeras.  At one point, the latest scheme for instant wealth creation were the licensing of independent power producers. 

IPPs bought subsidised gas from Petronas and, if its former chairman is to be believed, the national utility was “forced” to buy its output. 

Its obvious drawback –  whopping costs to the state-owned utility – was all but ignored in the flush of new wealth creation and an excited stock market.

As a former reporter, I used to think that some people were there just to dream up new RS schemes that would be NEP-compliant. The trick was to have a powerful, and sympathetic, ear in government.  

It was thus that I got a tip-off in 2003 that cigarette and beer firms would be forced to affix security labels on their products to “deter smuggling”.  

It wasn’t surprising. Cigarettes and beer are heavily taxed ergo smuggling is rampant. It still is. 

The firms are easy targets as they are foreign-owned and their products, generally frowned upon. Full disclosure: I like beer.

The tipoff was accurate.  I called the company, and they came back with the old “it’s the Swiss technology” chestnut.

A search revealed that the firm’s chairman was a brother of a (then) senior Umno minister. Smoking gun. We ran with the story in the Asian WSJ the next day and I waited expectantly. 

It went over with all the thrill of a wet sponge. Talk of vanishing into a vacuum! No outrage, no heated denials. Boredom, it seemed, was the order of the day.  

It was just another day in Paradise.  

ENDS 

THE RELATIVITY OF CRIME

In the film The Godfather, Don Corleone cautions his hot-headed son Sonny against violence, pointing out there are gentler ways: “A lawyer with his briefcase can steal more than a hundred men with guns.”   

There’s a moral in there somewhere, surely. 

For Marlon Brando, it was a line in yet another movie. But  for an Ex-PM and his substantial sidekick Fatboy, it may have been A Life Lesson to Live By.

Certainly, it’s one school of thought. Now compare and contrast our responses to malfeasance to those of the Japanese of whom the phrase “to a fault” must surely have been invented. 

Plot’s like this. Principal of junior high school in Japan needs pick-up. Been that kind of day. Enters self-service deli, pays for regular coffee, but presses button for “large” cup.   

He’s spotted. Flagrante delicto as it were. Such drama! Caught in Takasago,  seven-hours from Tokyo. Self- righteous, if you know what I mean. No sense of humour. Or mercy. It’s four days before Christmas.  

Rough justice is understating things. By February, he’s done and dusted, dismissed from work, his teaching licence revoked. No kidding – it’s what the  Asahi Shimbun reported. 

He’s also lost his retirement pay, about RM525,000. Nothing to sneeze at in a country with low inflation.

You have to feel for Ex-PRIN. He’s remorseful too, which is more than can be said of EX-PM: he’d  thought the truth was such a rare and precious commodity it had to be doled out sparingly.  

But I digress. Let’s go back to the ex-principal. At an interview, the 59-year old said he had acted impulsively and was “truly sorry.”

Ex-PRIN also admitted he’d done it 4 times before. In total, he’d underpaid Y$490. That’s not quite enough to bankrupt said deli: it’s  around RM15.56.

Did the punishment fit the crime? Even ordinary Japanese wondered. 

Dismissal is the most severe punishment for a public servant there. That’s followed by suspension from work, a pay cut and, least of all, a reprimand. EX-PM had thought a reprimand was fair in his case. He would have even settled for a pay cut but there was just no satisfying some people. 

But in Japan Ex-PRIN had been a repeat  offender. His dismissal, therefore, was deemed “appropriate.” 

Now what would the Japanese have thought of  Ex-PM having his 12 year sentence – for stealing over RM42 million from public coffers – cut in half?

And what would they have thought of senior Malaysian lawyer Zaid Ibrahim’s comment that RM42 million was “small change,” implying, presumably, that EX-PM had been hard done by?

He must think he was because he’s not leaping about with joy as well he might: a rubber tapper was recently sentenced to seven years for stealing RM77. 

Again, the Japanese might have asked: Would said tapper have the same chance of being pardoned on the not unreasonable grounds of, say, extreme poverty?  

OK, maybe not. It was the Malaysian Way: Justice is open to everyone in the same way as the St Regis.

For perspective, here are some facts for the Japanese to ponder. It’s about  1Malaysia Development Bhd, the state fund allegedly looted by EX-PM et al.  The amount stolen from it is estimated at US$4.5 billion while its total debt had reached US$7.8 billion at last count. That’s  RM48.4 billion at current exchange rate levels and rising as we speak. 

It’s certainly not “small change”. 

ENDS

THE MEN OF MANY FACES

“We are all born ignorant, but one must work hard to remain stupid.” – US writer and statesman Benjamin Franklin

“In view of the fact that God limited the intelligence of man, it seems unfair that He did not also limit his stupidity.” – German statesman Konrad Adenauer

“All you need in this life is stupidity and confidence, and then success is sure.” It was the writer Mark Twain who made the observation over a century ago but he never meant for it to be taken seriously. 

But there is a rocket scientist in Damansara Flora in the greater KL area who did, apparently.  Said RS had read somewhere that going viral on TikTok could get you money for nothing and chicks for free. 

To be sure, there is going viral, and then there is, well, going nuts. Like hydrogen, there is a great deal of stupidity out there and RS had drunk deep, and copiously, at said well.

He had no criminal record to speak off. To rectify that matter, he set fire to an auxiliary police cruiser and all but drew a map for the police by filming the act on his phone and sending it out to that great Cloud in the sky. It did go viral and that, as they say, was the rub. 

No chicks for free, that’s for sure. Perhaps a little grim and stern fish, some gritty rice and an opportunity to meet a former Premier. 

That’s why you can never underestimate human intelligence too much. 

Nor can you underestimate human greed for that matter. Jibby and his stout sidekick, Fatboy, proved that above and beyond their call of duty. That’s well known of course, but no, I’m just talking today’s newspaper here. First my eye fell on the story of the ambitious RS with delusions of adequacy, and then there were the  three who allegedly looted a charity for Palestinians.

It took two hours for the interpreter to read the 164 charges prosecutors slapped against the trio for money laundering, criminal breach of trust and cheating, involving over RM45 million in funds meant for Palestinians dispossessed by the war. 

The trio’s hearts bled so much for those poor folk that they allegedly bought houses, shop-lots and land. As a further mark of respect, they bought 131 kilograms of gold bullion.

Fatboy would have understood: you can’t have too much. He knew because he’d tried. 

There was only one problem. They might have been a couple of chapattis short of a curry lunch because all the purchases were made by a single company which had but three directors.  This was usually the moment Poirot would have muttered: “Sacre bleu!”

No prizes for guessing the three rocket scientists on said board.

My friend Cletus came up with a beauty yesterday. He’d been reading about the preacher man Ebit Liew, whose case of  sexual harassment is currently pending before the courts. 

Cletus thought the name should correctly read as A Bit Lewd. 

You’d never have guessed though. He was normally clad in proper clerical garb right down to the white skull cap and pious goatee. 

But to read the testimony of the disconsolate female witness on the stand in today’s paper, it appeared that the old chestnut may have been true. No, it wasn’t a gun in his pocket and yes, he had been happy to see her. 

Allegedly, of course.

ENDS

KILLJOYS OF MALAYSIA

He made us all one true religion, Edith, which he named after his son, Christian – or Christ, for short.  – Archie Bunker, in the TV sitcom All In The Family  

The other day we met up with Y, one of my wife’s friends, who’d flown over from Kay-El with one aim: to see Coldplay perform live.

He’d booked a hotel room and, since he was in Singapore with his wife, he might as well stay a few days. The concert tickets were S$200 (RM694) each so what the hell?  

“We haven’t been here for ages anyway,” he told us cheerfully.

The British band had agreed to play six January concerts in the city-state: all in the same venue, a rare concession that underscored the island’s marketing skill.  It made good business sense. All the dates were booked solid, and it drew fans from as far away as New Zealand. 

That’s the way to do it. 

It was the Arabs who came up with the saying: “the dogs may bark but the caravan moves on.” This commonsensical notion was largely true for Malaysia in its first 50 years or so but not so much now. Every time any barking starts, the country staggers, stops or even reverses course altogether.    

The Islamic Party of Malaysia, or Pas, is largely responsible for this. It, quite seriously, sees itself as the moral watchdog of the country and its outraged yelps against concerts – or anything remotely entertaining for that matter– is costing the country dear: the number of Malaysians like Y who went south to hear Coldplay is anyone’s guess.

Where concerts are concerned, Pas has developed a Pavlovian response: object, object and then, still object. 

Why? 

Why not?  would be the correct response in The World According to Pas. 

Take the upcoming Ed Sheeran concert in Kuala Lumpur. The baby-faced English singer-songwriter is scheduled to perform here on February 24.

It’s too near Ramadan, Pas winged. Not really: the start of the fasting month is almost 2 weeks from the date. 

Eureka, cried the Clerics’ Council of Pas – its highest policy making body – in the triumphant, and Ancient Greek, tones of a Holmes getting his man. 

Apparently, the shady Sheeran was a sinister subversive who surreptitiously supported scoundrelly syndicates like the lesbian, gay, bisexual, and transgender community. 

Who would’ve thought? 

Harumph, said Khairy Jamaluddin in the dismissive manner of a Grandmaster about to checkmate a lesser mortal. 

A former Health Minister, Mr Khairy revealed that Pas had never “aggressively” pushed for concert bans when it was in government between March 2020 and November 2023. He went on to say that when push came to shove, the matter was raised only once and that, “timidly” too, as a question during a Cabinet meeting. 

In short, zilch, zip and nada. 

Now, who would’ve thought? 

The party’s spiritual adviser confirmed Mr Khairy’s opinion in a backhanded sort of way. He said as it was in government then, the party had more “pressing” matters and issues that “needed our immediate attention.”   

He did not reveal what was so “pressing” that it needed the party’s “immediate” attention. Indeed, any Malaysian worth his salt would be hard pressed to remember a single policy, issue, or idea, that Pas articulated, floated, or espoused during its two-odd years in power. 

It was zip, zilch and nada all over again. 

ENDS