Month: November 2023

LIKE NIGHT AND DAY 

When it comes to ruining communication, the Internet has much to answer for.

Internet speak is all so much  gobbledygook  don’t you think? 

For one, it’s  littered with acronyms – from the ubiquitous LOL (laughs out loud) to the terse, if slightly, sinister “K” (okay), and abbreviations grim enough to reduce the English language to its barest bones, that limit just short of terminal incomprehension.  

How else are we supposed to react to “OIC” (no, not the Organisation of Islamic Countries but  oh, I see)?  Or to read that the writer of Robinson Crusoe is named Dan D4?

To explain Internet speak in a philosophical context, we have to merely consider the Latin phrase Cogito, ergo sum, more famously described as “I think, therefore I am.

It was coined by the French mathematician and philosopher Rene Descartes as a necessary first step in demonstrating the attainability of certain knowledge. 

Nonsense, modern-day Internet speakers would cry: it merely demonstrated that old Rene would always put Descartes before De Horse. 

Even Will Shakespeare hasn’t been spared. The opening lines of Hamlet’s  soliloquy might, say, be reduced to “2B or not 2B, that’s the Q. 

Or maybe not. 3B pencils anyone?

To say it’s captured the public’s imagination is to understate its significance. There is, for example, a restaurant – a vegetarian one, no less – called WTF in chic, if pothole-ridden, Bangsar. 

In fairness, the owner insists that it stands for What Tasty Food but, like the prosecution told our unlamented sixth Prime Minister, “that’s your story and you’d be wise to stick to it.” 

Now that I mention it, there’s also a pub-chain called WIP (Work in Progress) in several locations in Kuala Lumpur. And don’t forget TGIF (Thank God It’s Friday) 

What’s next? A New Age Bahai retreat in our suburbs dubbed OMG?

There’s the rub. I think there’s nothing like real communication in English because it brings about the sheer power of language, everything from the sublime to the ridiculous. And unlike the mediocrity of Internet speak, it’s intelligent, thoughtful and oftentimes witty.     

It can also be entertaining. Asked about the role of  managers and promoters in boxing, US boxer Seoul Mamby borrowed from Churchill  to engage in some nimble wordplay: “Never in the ring of human conflict have so few taken so much from so many.”

A book on the rules of good writing concludes: “Last but not least, avoid cliches like the plague.” One assumes the writer is the  humorous type as the last three words in the dictum is, in itself, a cliché of the loudest sort. 

Then again,  cliches evolve don’t they? Example: It took years for Charles Schultz to make – “It was a dark and stormy night” – one. 

For sheer cynicism embellished in wit, there are few who can beat British writer Alex Coren: “Democracy consists of choosing your own dictator, after they’ve  told you what it is you think you want to hear.” 

And you can just about feel the vim in Dorothy Parker’s book review whan she advises, “This is not a book you should put aside lightly: it should be hurled with great force.”

For a succinct explanation of statistics, few can top  US newspaper columnist Michael Boyd, “Anyone who enjoys three meals a day should understand why cookbooks outsell sex books three to one.” 

And here’s encouragement to the budding writer, something I always suspected, from no less than Ernest Hemingway: “The first draft of anything is shit.” 

And for sheer drollery, there is no one like Mark Twain: “It usually takes more than three weeks to prepare a good, impromptu  speech.”

You see what I mean? Internet speak is but a poor cousin of the real thing.

No more, no less.

ENDS

STRANGE BEDFELLOWS, THE WORLD OVER  

Political satire became obsolete after they awarded the Nobel Peace Prize to Henry Kissinger – Singer-songwriter Tom Lehrer

Liberals feel unworthy of their possessions; conservatives feel they deserve everything they’ve stolen. –  Comedian Mort Sahl

The average Malaysian life expectancy and IQ curves just passed each other, heading in opposite directions. 

And it started with the oldest, which should not surprise anyone who has heard Dr Mahathir over the years; he has taken artifice and self-serving answers to ludicrous levels. 

Asked what he did about corruption in his party when he was premier, his answer underscores his understanding of the art of self service. First, he side steps his role in the matter, then agrees with the questioner that, yes, there had been corruption, and then absolves himself by deflecting blame away – “the authorities  should have taken action.”

It’s a nonsense answer, a non sequitur, or an answer that does not logically follow. The buck stopped with him at the time, and it would have had to be him to initiate action. 

We just have to ask ourselves one question. If Dr Mahathir had been serious about combating corruption during his tenure, do you think for a minute it would have reached the scale it has today?

For gross ignorance, few can compare with the men in green. This is serious as everyone knows that gross ignorance is 144 times worse than ordinary ignorance. 

The politicians from the country’s Islamic Party, or Pas, have called for a ban of an upcoming Coldplay concert because the act would symbolize “solidarity” with the Palestinian people. The ban, apparently, would soothe and comfort a people being subjected to bombs, destruction, and horror. At the same time, it would strike a mighty blow against “hedonism and perversion” and other ne’er-do-well acts of similar infamy.

We aren’t alone in having self-serving or intellectually challenged politicians. It’s a universal phenomenon. If you think Dr Mahathir is economic with the truth, Donald Trump used to lie so often that he even began to do it for the most inconsequential of reasons, to prove an immediate point, or for no reason whatsoever.

Once, after he addressed a group of Boy Scouts, he claimed that he’d received a phone call from one of its leaders describing his speech “as the greatest speech they’d ever heard.” Nor was he fazed when the Scout’s Association released a statement saying, “no such call was made.”

When he was perceived as putting on weight and advised to exercise, he said he was right in not exercising because “it depletes the body’s stores of energy.” Yes, it’s called fat. 

On why he was against wind energy, he replied “it (the noise it generates which is near negligible) causes cancer.” 

Add to that, hyperbole – “No one’s read the Bible as much as I have” – and dangerous  falsehoods – his claim that he’d won the 2020 election – and the result is a near-lunatic with a bewildering, nay,  incomprehensible following among his countrymen. 

So, if we worry about our politicians, we can relax a little. The US has far greater problems. Donald Trump may be a political joke, but the joke may be on the American people: it’s a hair’s breadth away from the Oval Office. 

Maybe Churchill was right about democracy, after all. “Anyone who still thinks democracy is the best form of government should have a five-minute conversation with the average voter.”  

ENDS

RUING THAT MISSED STEAK

The modern, three-meals-a day rule for the average human being would have struck his primitive forebears as hopelessly unachievable, besides being   gluttony of the most boastful sort. 

They weren’t at the top of the food chain then, you see?  Besides, running down prey with spears might get you a meal once every three days or so and that was about it. 

Which is why they rarely got heart attacks or worried about their weight, or lipid profiles. Between T Rex and the occasional pterodactyl, they had enough to worry about without fretting about acid reflux or halitosis. The latter condition, unfortunately, was a given in those pre-Colgate days so it’s pretty much doubtful if they ever felt anxious about body odour, for instance.  

As I continue this examination of history across the broad sweep of human civilisation, you will notice there isn’t anything as   outlandish as vegetarianism or veganism being mentioned. That’s because it didn’t exist – everyone was carnivore and that was it. 

There was, of course, a persistent legend around the Jurassic Period, about The One Who Wouldn’t, a woman who only ate fruits, or roots, but it must have been a myth because no one had ever met herbivore. 

The avoidance of meat only emerged centuries later, after man reached the Agricultural Age and learned to tame, breed and rear livestock for his own needs. Although the term “vegan” was coined in the late 20th Century by an American, the practice did not originate in the West. On the contrary, vegetarianism    began in   India and was spurred on by the religions of Hinduism, Jainism and Buddhism: many of its practices frown on the consumption of meat.

The etymology of the word underscores this point. Standout example: the word “vegetarian” is derived from an ancient Sanskrit word meaning “lousy hunter.” 

In any case, vegetarianism only began to flourish after man reached the top of the food chain. I should know as my mother was a “pure” vegetarian – she disdained eggs as well – and those effects have rubbed off on me. Not all of them though: I haven’t reached the stage of apologetically, but no less suspiciously, sniffing Rebecca’s plates for the lingering odours of eggs fried long ago. 

I exaggerate, of course, but some of my mother’s genetics, taste-wise, linger in the son. Organ meats, some fish, all shellfish and lots of stuff considered yummy by Jaime Oliver fill me with the horror people reserve for slugs: Mr Oliver might dispute that as well. 

It took years for me to consider pork as a food, and even then, I’m not a great fan although there is much to be said about bacon-wrapped, asparagus spears lightly sauteed in butter.  

But I digress. 

We were talking about veganism and what the Guardian describes as its “unstoppable” rise. Even fast-food restaurants are serving mock meats (Impossible burger, anyone?). 

My daughter Raisa no longer adds cow’s milk to her coffee: we have to stock oat milk when she visits. On a separate note, I’m damned if I know how to milk oats. 

Veganism is all about animal rights, climate change, and saving the world, apparently. Add health to the mix and they have almost completely taken over the moral high ground. 

Maybe they should be advised of the following facts. It isn’t true that vegetarians love animals, they just hate plants. Also, cows and sheep are vegetarian so that you don’t have to be.

Finally, no one likes vegans or wants to invite them to parties. Like breaking wind, it’s an unspoken fact: it’s just too much hassle. 

Not that they care. They remain proud and unashamed about being vegan. No matter what people say…

…they don’t carrot all. 

ENDS

NO SEX PLEASE, WE’RE MALAYSIAN 

Nothing risqué, nothing gained. – US theatre critic, Alexander Woollcott

Sex without love is an empty experience but as empty experiences go, it’s one of the best. – Woody Allen 

Queen Victoria, who was the UK’s monarch when Rudyard Kipling was warbling about the sun “never setting” on the British Empire, wasn’t particularly impressed by a baby’s looks: “An ugly baby is a very nasty object – and the prettiest is frightful.”

She should talk: the reason, for her presumably plain offspring, usually stared back at her every morning. Still, it’s a strange sentiment from a person who had nine children over 17 years. 

Clearly, she wasn’t averse to the practice but deplored its outcome. 

A person like Victoria, however, might have been welcomed in present-day Singapore by no less than a brass band. Going by its outcomes, Singaporeans aren’t particularly interested in multiplying. 

It’s true. At 1.3 births per woman, the wealthy city-state has the fifth lowest fertility rate in the world.

Going forward it leads to an aging population and an increasing dependence on imported foreign labour. In cases like Japan where the problem has been protracted and, unlike Singapore, immigration to replace the population isn’t allowed, primary schools are being closed for want of enrolment. Japan has a fertility rate of 1.34 babies per woman. 

Malaysia is, slowly but surely, heading there.   According to the news-portal FMT, the fertility rate in 2023 reached its lowest in five decades, with 1.6 children for every woman compared to 1.7 babies per woman in 2022. Statistically speaking, the replacement rate of any population is 2.1 children for every family. 

Singapore has tried various incentives to encourage more births including tax incentives and outright cash handouts: citizen receive SGD10, 000 for every new child. They have all failed, a lesson Japan could have shared and Dr Mahathir should have noted vis-à-vis his hare-brained idea, in the 1980s, of a 70-million population policy for the country.

You can’t foist these sort of policies on a populace. An inbuilt, “quality of life” barometer is inherent in the human experience and rising education and affluence has all but entrenched the notion of small families.

Man has proved himself admirable in that sense. At one time, it was thought  that humanity would ultimately starve  because populations grew geometrically while the food supply expanded arithmetically, The notion  didn’t take into account human ingenuity and its discovery of technology.  

What remains, however, is a dreadful irony. There is starvation is some parts of Africa while obesity and diabetes are becoming serious problems in Malaysia. 

But the demographic trend is here to stay. Indeed, a 2022 Pew Research Centre study using US data has indicated, for the first time in human history, that the world’s population will stop growing by the end of this century. 

For Malaysia it appears recreation has supplanted procreation and we’ve come full circle as it were. It isn’t such a bad thing and I suppose we should consider ourselves blessed: it is a problem of plenty and numerical proof that we are steadily developing and getting more affluent.

That is not to say that Malaysians, or Singaporeans for that matter, aren’t engaging in sex any more. Like Victoria, one suspects they aren’t doing it any less either.  

ENDS