Getting A Rush Out Of Records

The only difference between stupidity and genius is that genius has its limits

Albert Einstein

David Rush of Washington State in the United States of  America was the sort of fellow who’d kill for a Nobel Peace Prize so it wasn’t a surprise to see him going for his own place in history.

Mr Rush intended to get himself into the Guinness Book of World Records by way of yet another insanely senseless feat that would not, could not and never would do anything for the price of fish. 

He wanted to be the planet’s record holder for stuffing the most blueberries in a human mouth at any one time.

“Only through the experience of trial and suffering can the soul be strengthened, ambition restored and success achieved,“ said Helen Keller. Or, as they say back in Seremban; “Even the smallest dog can lift its leg on the Kuala Lumpur City Centre.”

The intrepid Mr Rush had done his due diligence. The Guinness Book had listed one Dinesh Shivnath Upadhyaya as the current record holder. Through fasting, prayer and abstinence, he’d managed to fit 86 blueberries in his mouth.

But Mr Upadhyaya had had good reason to be listed as a Guinness record holder. A freshly minted American citizen, the good Mr Upadhyaya was tired of the American penchant for continually misspelling his name.

So he came up with an idea.

The would be blueberry stuffer felt that winning a Guinness award would emblazon his name in US history and thereby forever etch the old family surname in the national consciousness.

Alas, poor Mr Upadhyaya. What happened was that his blueberry-stuffing-stab at immortality got him re-christened “Maximouth.”

As Johnny Carson once quipped: “If life was fair, Elvis would be alive and all the impersonators would be dead.”

Mr Rush had no such compunctions. He had already won a number of mentions in the Guinness Book including but not limited to holding 100 lighted candles in a human mouth for a minute. It was an act that spoke volumes about the human condition and had about as much use to mankind as a wooden frying pan or the “p” in pterodactyl.

The former danger-defying-swashbuckler explained that he achieved his latest title by stuffing 148 blueberries into his mouth at the same time. Just to be sure, however, he’d brought along an equivalent number of other berries.

To be sure, it wasn’t a completely fruitless day.

Lest anyone miss this massive accomplishment, Mr Rush thoughtfully posted a video online showing how anyone who felt so inclined might fit 148 blueberries in his mouth and hold them there for a full five seconds.

The critics all agreed that it was riveting: it combined all of the excitement of double entry bookkeeping with the terror of a dental examination.

Mr Rush was a man of rectitude who did not condone fraud so he was careful to spit the blueberries back out so they could be examined. They were and, lo, only an astonishing two of his original total were disqualified for breaking, leaving him with 146 for the record.

To celebrate the feat as being uniquely American, he posted an online picture captioned “Mom, the flag and apple pie.”

It featured Mr Rush’s mother against a backdrop of a US flag surrounded by 3.14 apples.