They call television a medium because anything well done is rare. – Comedian Stewart Francis

You can learn a lot about the United States by watching its television.

It’s a national pastime, apparently. Even the science supports this notion. Consider the law governing inertia: a body at rest gravitates towards watching television. 

The advertisements on display are, well, different. Direct, as in a-ton-of-bricks-direct, is one way of putting it. 

I’ll do one better: I’ll give you an example. 

Against the backdrop of shrieking brakes, rending metal, and wailing sirens to a fast-forward frame of gamely recovering patient in full body cast, comes the quietly reassuring voice of Legal Eagle: “Don’t get mad, get even.” 

He steps into view, all cleft chin, dimpled smile, and trustworthy teeth, not unlike Al Pacino in And Justice for All.  His message is heartfelt: getting even by way of compensation isn’t just the American way, it’s the only way. 

A single number – toll free, duh – flashes behind him, blinking in perfect rhythm to a heart monitor.  Call 1-800-DAMAGES for Instant Justice.  

OK, I’m exaggerating. But only a little. 

I found many of the ads touting medical treatments, supplements, and various cure-alls even more alarming. 

There is a method to their madness. They start off optimistically enough and by the time they have you convinced that, Yes-By-God-I’m-Saved, they   belatedly remember the 1-800 number for medical negligence and reel off every possible side-effect that might befall the user and conclude thus: ‘Consult your doctor before taking XYZ.” 

In the American ad world, apparently, that’s a defense: the legal equivalent of a cross before Dracula.

But I’m not kidding about the side-effects I heard being mentioned on medicine ads on American television.  There was “death” of course, but the really horrible ones like “anal seepage” were enough to make even Dracula run screaming into the night!

You didn’t have to be an economist to know that domestic demand aka consumer spending was the fuel that drove the US economy. Almost every show – from brain-numbing talk shows to incisive documentaries – had commercial breaks that sometimes went on for three minutes, selling everything from cars to designer goods.

You had to admire the absurdity of a gripping documentary being interrupted every now and then by three chipmunks singing the virtues of the “most comfortable” toilet paper in three-part harmony. 

Or a vaguely familiar actor extolling the “crazy, best deals” on mattresses at a Detroit store near you.  

Then there is Fox News which affected me greatly the first time I saw it because we don’t get it in Malaysia. Now I’m used to it as it’s aired in Singapore.

Even so, it spouts the most appalling garbage which says a lot about the average American: it’s consistently the most watched channel among US households.

It has commentators like the opinionated Sean Hannity who is greatly admired by people like Donald Trump.

It might be the reason why the comedian Mort Sahl wished aloud that the channel would hire “a real fascist” instead of “this guy who plays one on television.” 

In the interests of fairness and full disclosure, it was also Mort Sahl who said, “you haven’t lived until you’ve died in California.” 

Go figure.

ENDS