The Driver Involved in This Incident Asked That Her Gender Not Be Revealed – Careless headline 

In the newspaper business, sub-editors rank right up there: they clean the writer’s copy – correct the typos, the grammatical howlers, etc. – and assign titles, headlines if you like, to the story. 

It is at this stage when the gifted sub comes into his/her own. It might be a mundane story, but a clever or witty heading almost always lifts the page and gets attention. 

That’s the newspaper’s business: the ads are attracted by a paper’s readers, the number of “eyeballs” it attracts. 

The eyes, as they say, always have it. 

So when Sara Marie Frankenstein, a desirable damsel from the Dakotas, took part in a beauty contest, she, inevitably, won and the newspapers the next day carried pretty much the same headline.

“Frankenstein Crowned Miss South Dakota.” (People always forget that Frankenstein wasn’t the creature – he was its creator)

On another note, the generally staid Wall Street Journal isn’t renowned for side-splitting headings, but its subs are no slouches. I once remember reading a story about the American postal service because I admired its headline: “U.S. Post Licks Stamp Problem.”

After Chinese statesman and diplomat Chou En-Lai passed away in 1976, the Communist Party decided the nuts and bolts of his funeral. One Japanese paper ran this headline the next day: “Chou Remains Cremated”. 

It isn’t clear if the sub in charge had his tongue firmly in cheek or he wasn’t aware of the double entendre or if it was a simple case of being lost in translation. 

Even so, one suspects that Chou, reputed for his sense of humour, would have enjoyed the joke. 

This headline is witty – “Midget Sues Grocer, Cites Belittling Remarks.” 

The following one is equally pointed but it does not bear explaining; “Shanghai Adult Toy Fair Hits The Spot.” 

Occasionally, however, a sub slips up and miracles are revealed. Surely this was one – “Priest In Fatal Crash Improves.” Or they come up with non-sequiturs – “Homicide Victims Rarely Talk To Police.” 

You think? 

One suspects that the sub who drafted the next heading wasn’t all there. Either that or his spelling’s terrible. 

“Situations Vacant: Cleaner Required, Must Be Contentious.” 

In Malaysia, we’d say the sub’s ‘England not so good’ – he probably meant conscientious.

Sometimes, you have to just know. Now “Elf To Sell Major North Sea Assets” sounds like something out of Harry Potter but Elf-Aquitaine is a French oil company. 

Similarly, “Lazy, Fat Dragons Forced To Diet At NY Zoo” is missing the word Komodo but the sub got our attention. 

Then there are the “yeah, right” headlines. Like “The Sun Is Leading Cause of Sunburns” or “Bugs Flying Around With Wings Are Flying Bugs.” 

Some are simply stupid. It’s either that or the sub wanted to demonstrate that said legislator in question was palpably stupid: “Legislator Wants Tougher Death Penalty.”

Now here’s an outraged headline that tells the whole story. “Risqué Business:  Misguided Skating Officials are Cracking Down on Pelvis Pumping and Lap Dancing – As Though People Actually Want To Watch Olympians Skate.”  

And, finally, the hands-down winner for double talk and the splitting of hairs: “MSI Owner Denies Lying, Admits Not Telling Truth.” 

ENDS 

Everyone knows that Shih Huang Ti  was the great Emperor who first unified China.

By all accounts, he was a busy fellow. If he wasn’t involved in standardising the country’s system of weights and measures, he was busy exhorting his countrymen to build a Great Wall to keep China’s  borders safe. 

Donald Trump wants to do the same with his Mexican border: going forward, it could make him renowned as America’s Shih. 

The mighty Emperor was also obsessed with immortality which might help explain the 8,000 odd collection of life sized terra cotta soldiers that present day tourists to China come to gawk at. 

In his relentless pursuit of immortality, the busy wall-builder was often prone to travelling across his vast empire often seeking new spices, herbs, poultices, foods, anything that might prolong life. 

It was a chilly fall evening when the empire builder stumbled into a seaside village in the east-central region of the country. The terra-cotta admirer was hungry, thirsty and disgruntled: so far his pursuit of immortality had been fruitless. 

As he was the Biggest Boss  of the Land, he was quickly directed to the home of the hamlet’s best cook, Lee Shang Hai.

As luck would have it, Master Lee was in the throes of making a new soup.

Master Lee was also a regular Da Vinci as he’d recently invented something that he called tofu. He was now working with it to ward off the cold and he thought he’d finally succeeded.  

“Eureka,” he yelled in triumphant Mandarin. The Emperor heard the exultant shout at the same time he smelt the soup. It made him vault the low wall that surrounded Master Lee’s house. 

A veritable ambrosia was simmering on Lee’s stove. There was ginger,  mushrooms, fungi coupled with beef strips and his remarkable tofu, all simmering in beef stock. As the Emperor burst in, the culinary craftsman slowly added eggs and, in an ingenious twist, threw in a generous amount of white pepper dissolved in vinegar. 

Unable to contain himself, the creator of one of the World’s Wonders – the Wall not the Soup – helped himself.  

Technically speaking, the dish should have been named  Emperor Jumped Over the Wall because that was what actually happened and that would have certainly elevated Master Lee’s status. But it was called Hot and Sour Soup for a reason that’s since been lost in the mists of antiquity. 

Even so, a grateful Shih lavished much honour on Master Lee, even naming the  humble village after the artist. Now you know why the city’s called Shanghai.

The Emperor also insisted that Master Lee become his personal chef and follow him back to Beijing.

Even so, the story didn’t end well. Convinced that Lee’s soup was the elixir of life, the Emperor consumed it so often and so frequently, that he developed gastric ulcers. He was also taking mercury on the side which Anthony Fauci will tell you is never a good idea. It was a short reign as reigns go and as reigns go, he went. 

Bereft of his patron, the great cook took to alcohol. From then on, he only cooked with wine and sometimes he added wine to his cooking. 

ENDS

Crime does not pay as well as politics – Anonymous, but probably Malaysian 

His elders thought he might have a career in politics given his gift of the gab. Only later would the gift of the grab emerge. 

Fast forward 70 years. 

With nothing but time on his hands, former Malaysian Prime Minister Najib Razak thinks he’s hit on a new and wholly original get-out-of-jail card, something that might finally spring him – an apology. 

Make that an “unreserved” apology which is better, but still falls short of “grovelling,” which might have been more appropriate in the circumstances. 

Actually, Jibby’s circumstances are getting better. Originally  sentenced to 12 years for corruption in the multibillion-dollar One Malaysia Development Berhad (1MDB) scandal, his term was halved by Malaysia’s King in February.

The disgraced former leader is now set to be released on August 23, 2028. Moreover,  the fine imposed on him was reduced to RM50 million from RM210 million.

Even so, Jibby remains on trial in multiple cases related to 1MDB, a state fund he established as prime minister to spur economic development. The total allegedly plundered from 1MDB could top RM50 billion. Najib has only apologised  for the fact that it happened. In addition, the man conceded that yes, the scandal did, indeed, occur during his tenure.

 Why now? 

Well, it revolves around “much reflection” amid his “26 months in jail.” That, for anyone who  missed it, is A Strong Hint that Justice Might Already Have Been Served. 

Anyway, he has had an epiphany of sorts. “It pains me to know the 1MDB debacle happened under my watch.”

I don’t want to put too fine a point on it, but if he just realises that now, he’s seriously a couple of chapattis short of a curry. 

The chapatti-deficient ex-premier expressed his “deep shock” over the extent of the plunder. 

On hindsight, Ah Jib Gor  acknowledged he should have acted differently when suspicions about 1MDB first arose.

You think? 

“I did initiate various investigations but I was inclined to believe the explanations by the board and management.” 

During trial, some members of the board begged to differ. 

At one point, His Jibsworth had over RM2 billion in his personal account. “As hard as it is for some people to fathom, I was advised and honestly believed at the time that the funds I received were political donations from Saudi Arabia.”

It isn’t clear if the Tooth Fairy was involved at this juncture. 

In any case,  the man is “deeply regretful” over the turn of events at 1MDB, and thinks that being legally held accountable for actions he “neither initiated nor knowingly enabled” is “unfair.” 

Meanwhile, Jibbington Esq is still facing four charges of abusing his position to obtain RM2.3bil from 1MDB and an additional 21 money laundering charges involving the same amount.  He will know his fate on October 30.

Mario Puzo, the author of The Godfather could not have had us in mind because the book came out in 1921. But it is curious: “A lawyer with his briefcase can steal more than a thousand men with guns. “

ENDS

He was so cheap, for example, that when his wife asked for diamonds for her birthday, he brought her two of them – the eight and the Queen. – Comedian George Burns, presumably referring to Warren Buffett.  

A friend of mine sent me an article on Warren Buffett yesterday.

Now there’s a guy buffeted by the slings and arrows of “outrageous fortune”: a pot of gold so monstrous it was estimated, in June, at an  eye-popping US$135 billion. 

Let’s put that in context, with said article in mind. You’re going out for dinner and there’s always someone in the group whose hand immediately goes into his pocket the minute the bill arrives, right? Warren’s that sort of guy, only his hand remains in said pocket until the scores have been settled so to speak. For him, the price of financial liberty was eternal vigilance. 

According to the article, Buffett decides to take his pal Bill Gates for lunch and instead of Spago’s, the big spender chooses McDonald’s instead. When the bill arrives, old BS digs into his pocket and comes up with enough, plus coupons, to make up the difference. 

Consider, also, that this is the world’s tenth richest man buying his pal, the globe’s third richest fellow, a burger. 

What does the guy at the counter do? 

A. He goes  amok, leaping over the counter with his pals, Smith and Wesson?

B. He’s overcome by acute embarrassment and offers to pick up the tab?

C. The Omaha Owl’s legend of penny-pinching parsimony grows to Olympian proportions. 

Actually, old BS had a different plan in mind originally: he thought he’d drive and planned to back into the drive-in so that the cashier would be on Bill‘s side but the idea had been foiled because Bill insisted on walking.

No wonder he was third richest, thought the Omaha Oracle resentfully. He hadn’t seen that coming.

It’s not easy staying rich. You have to plan on all eventualities including lunch: a lightning quick decision between, say, Spago’s or McDonald’s, could translate into immediate savings of over $100.  

The really rich think differently. When asked if he’d ever read the Bible, Jean Paul Getty, a man who made his money from oil, replied he’d heard it said that the meek shall inherit the earth and then added, “but not its mineral rights.” 

Asked about his formula for success, he replied: “Rise early, work hard, strike oil.” 

He was also the fellow who famously said “if you can count” your money, “you’re not rich.” 

The actress and playwright Mae West bridled when someone suggested she was a gold-digger: “No gold digging for me. I’ll take diamonds, thank you.” The writer Jackie Collins was more down to earth: “Money isn’t the most important thing in the world, love is. Fortunately, I love money.”  

I’ve met many very, rich people during my reporting career but I suppose the best answer I ever got was from Lim Goh Tong, the late founder of the Genting gaming conglomerate.

It was early in my career and I’d read that you had to ask entrepreneurs what their philosophy was – Don’t blame me, point your fingers at Fortune!  

So, I popped the question, and he looked nonplussed. His answer, however, was and is a classic and it illustrates why a translation from the original language never quite does it justice. 

After giving the matter some thought, he replied simply: “Gua tengok lubang, gua masuk-lah. 

My translation: “When I see an opportunity, I seize it.” 

Close, I suspect, but no cigar.

ENDS

I know not with what weapons World War III will be fought, but World War IV will be fought with sticks and stones – Albert Einstein   

The schools are safe in the United States. It’s the people there that are scary. 

On Wednesday,  yet another school shooting happened. 

 This time, it was in Apalachee High School in Georgia; a 14 year-old teen shot and killed two of his classmates as well as two teachers.

School shootings are a shockingly regular occurrence in the US, where guns outnumber people and regulations on purchasing even semi-automatic assault rifles are lax.

Every year, more than 4,000 children and teens are shot and killed and over 17,000 more are wounded.

No other country in the world would tolerate such insanity, where sending your child to school might mean playing Russian Roulette with their lives.  Indeed, any self-respecting nation would attempt to change things: New Zealand springs to mind. 

There is something fundamentally  flawed about a society that’s known these numbers for years but does nothing about it. I mean, in the face of  overwhelming evidence to its detriment, the Second Amendment continues to  be a sacred cow. Given the country’s gun violence, the right to bear arms sounds only slightly less asinine than the right to arm bears. 

Why not a middle ground, you ask reasonably? 

Nope. Even basic common sense legislation like universal background checks for potential gun-buyers, is virulently opposed by the National Rifle Association, an extremely well-funded lobby group that ensures political compliance. Its credo to live by goes like this: “I’ll give you my gun when you pry it out my cold, dead hands.”  

Incidentally, numerous polls indicate that background checks are supported by a vast majority of US citizens. The NRA could not care less. 

You might say the NRA gets pretty much what it wants. Or, as they say in Washington: “If you can’t beat them, arrange to have them beaten.”

Perhaps America was always bloodthirsty. It was Thomas Jefferson who observed: “People who beat their guns into ploughshares will plough for those who don’t.” The corollary to that must be: “Those that live by the sword get shot by those that don‘t.”  

It was another American, Al Capone, who famously said; “You’ll go much further with a kind word and a gun than with a kind word alone.” 

Or as Rush Limbaugh, a thoughtful, writer much admired by Donald Trump, sagely advised President Ronald Reagan: “The only way to reduce the number of nuclear bombs is to use them.”   

Aesop was the Greek slave who made up over 500 fables. He was also renowned for coming up with this trenchant observation: “We hang the petty thieves and elect the great ones to public office.”  

He could be talking of Najib Razak. Or Donald Trump. 

In those days, the Watergate felons were charged with perjury and  obstruction of justice. Things have certainly changed: nowadays that’s just your average, routine, run-of-the-mill Trump press conference. 

You might think he is an optimistic fellow. He isn’t worried about a 3rd World War at all. As far as the Donald is concerned, that is a Third World problem and not America’s to worry about. 

The Donald only worried about the big picture and it didn’t get any bigger than winning the Presidential race this November. 

Because only the winner got to decide what was criminal and what wasn’t.

It didn’t get any bigger than that. 

ENDS