Month: October 2024

TRUTH IS STRANGER THAN FICTION

Crime does not pay as well as politics – Anonymous, but probably Malaysian 

His elders thought he might have a career in politics given his gift of the gab. Only later would the gift of the grab emerge. 

Fast forward 70 years. 

With nothing but time on his hands, former Malaysian Prime Minister Najib Razak thinks he’s hit on a new and wholly original get-out-of-jail card, something that might finally spring him – an apology. 

Make that an “unreserved” apology which is better, but still falls short of “grovelling,” which might have been more appropriate in the circumstances. 

Actually, Jibby’s circumstances are getting better. Originally  sentenced to 12 years for corruption in the multibillion-dollar One Malaysia Development Berhad (1MDB) scandal, his term was halved by Malaysia’s King in February.

The disgraced former leader is now set to be released on August 23, 2028. Moreover,  the fine imposed on him was reduced to RM50 million from RM210 million.

Even so, Jibby remains on trial in multiple cases related to 1MDB, a state fund he established as prime minister to spur economic development. The total allegedly plundered from 1MDB could top RM50 billion. Najib has only apologised  for the fact that it happened. In addition, the man conceded that yes, the scandal did, indeed, occur during his tenure.

 Why now? 

Well, it revolves around “much reflection” amid his “26 months in jail.” That, for anyone who  missed it, is A Strong Hint that Justice Might Already Have Been Served. 

Anyway, he has had an epiphany of sorts. “It pains me to know the 1MDB debacle happened under my watch.”

I don’t want to put too fine a point on it, but if he just realises that now, he’s seriously a couple of chapattis short of a curry. 

The chapatti-deficient ex-premier expressed his “deep shock” over the extent of the plunder. 

On hindsight, Ah Jib Gor  acknowledged he should have acted differently when suspicions about 1MDB first arose.

You think? 

“I did initiate various investigations but I was inclined to believe the explanations by the board and management.” 

During trial, some members of the board begged to differ. 

At one point, His Jibsworth had over RM2 billion in his personal account. “As hard as it is for some people to fathom, I was advised and honestly believed at the time that the funds I received were political donations from Saudi Arabia.”

It isn’t clear if the Tooth Fairy was involved at this juncture. 

In any case,  the man is “deeply regretful” over the turn of events at 1MDB, and thinks that being legally held accountable for actions he “neither initiated nor knowingly enabled” is “unfair.” 

Meanwhile, Jibbington Esq is still facing four charges of abusing his position to obtain RM2.3bil from 1MDB and an additional 21 money laundering charges involving the same amount.  He will know his fate on October 30.

Mario Puzo, the author of The Godfather could not have had us in mind because the book came out in 1921. But it is curious: “A lawyer with his briefcase can steal more than a thousand men with guns. “

ENDS

MONEY CAN’T BUY HAPPINESS BUT YOU EAT BETTER. 

He was so cheap, for example, that when his wife asked for diamonds for her birthday, he brought her two of them – the eight and the Queen. – Comedian George Burns, presumably referring to Warren Buffett.  

A friend of mine sent me an article on Warren Buffett yesterday.

Now there’s a guy buffeted by the slings and arrows of “outrageous fortune”: a pot of gold so monstrous it was estimated, in June, at an  eye-popping US$135 billion. 

Let’s put that in context, with said article in mind. You’re going out for dinner and there’s always someone in the group whose hand immediately goes into his pocket the minute the bill arrives, right? Warren’s that sort of guy, only his hand remains in said pocket until the scores have been settled so to speak. For him, the price of financial liberty was eternal vigilance. 

According to the article, Buffett decides to take his pal Bill Gates for lunch and instead of Spago’s, the big spender chooses McDonald’s instead. When the bill arrives, old BS digs into his pocket and comes up with enough, plus coupons, to make up the difference. 

Consider, also, that this is the world’s tenth richest man buying his pal, the globe’s third richest fellow, a burger. 

What does the guy at the counter do? 

A. He goes  amok, leaping over the counter with his pals, Smith and Wesson?

B. He’s overcome by acute embarrassment and offers to pick up the tab?

C. The Omaha Owl’s legend of penny-pinching parsimony grows to Olympian proportions. 

Actually, old BS had a different plan in mind originally: he thought he’d drive and planned to back into the drive-in so that the cashier would be on Bill‘s side but the idea had been foiled because Bill insisted on walking.

No wonder he was third richest, thought the Omaha Oracle resentfully. He hadn’t seen that coming.

It’s not easy staying rich. You have to plan on all eventualities including lunch: a lightning quick decision between, say, Spago’s or McDonald’s, could translate into immediate savings of over $100.  

The really rich think differently. When asked if he’d ever read the Bible, Jean Paul Getty, a man who made his money from oil, replied he’d heard it said that the meek shall inherit the earth and then added, “but not its mineral rights.” 

Asked about his formula for success, he replied: “Rise early, work hard, strike oil.” 

He was also the fellow who famously said “if you can count” your money, “you’re not rich.” 

The actress and playwright Mae West bridled when someone suggested she was a gold-digger: “No gold digging for me. I’ll take diamonds, thank you.” The writer Jackie Collins was more down to earth: “Money isn’t the most important thing in the world, love is. Fortunately, I love money.”  

I’ve met many very, rich people during my reporting career but I suppose the best answer I ever got was from Lim Goh Tong, the late founder of the Genting gaming conglomerate.

It was early in my career and I’d read that you had to ask entrepreneurs what their philosophy was – Don’t blame me, point your fingers at Fortune!  

So, I popped the question, and he looked nonplussed. His answer, however, was and is a classic and it illustrates why a translation from the original language never quite does it justice. 

After giving the matter some thought, he replied simply: “Gua tengok lubang, gua masuk-lah. 

My translation: “When I see an opportunity, I seize it.” 

Close, I suspect, but no cigar.

ENDS

FEAR OF FRYING 

It was so hot this summer, the cows were giving evaporated milk. – Talk show host Johnny Carson 

I remember cycling to school in the early morning in Seremban during the early 70s. It was almost always cool. 

My wife remembers attending school in Malacca and having to wear a sweater because, with the fan, the classroom could get “chilly.” 

Of course, Malacca had those breezes coming off the sea and that must have helped. Even so, most of us slept under fans and were usually huddled under blankets by the time dawn rolled around.

I am in Singapore now, an island where there’s supposed to be winds coming offits waters. I woke up early this morning, around 5.30 or so which is ridiculous for me, but it is what it is, whatever that means.

That’s the trouble with air-conditioning: it takes the “chill” right off the “cool” morning air. 

I’d stepped out of the house only to find it wasn’t cool at all. More like another muggy morning in the balmy tropics. Balmy would work: Siri informed me it was 26 degrees Celsius “right now.” 

And it wasn’t even six: It was going to be a long day. 

Climate change is, apparently, here to stay. But there must be a middle ground: the truth must lie somewhere between The Donald’s sweeping dismissal of it as a “hoax” and people on the lunatic left claiming it’s so hot in the Southern United States during summer that hens are laying “fried eggs.” 

That something has changed is obvious. In Malaysia and Singapore at least, we are spared earthquakes, hurricanes, tornadoes, cyclones, or volcanoes. But the severity of such events in other countries seems to be increasing at an alarming rate. 

I have a former university mate who’s settled in Tampa, Florida. He sent me pictures of his house after Hurricane Milton had torn through Tampa early this week.  

Part of a tree had gone through an upstairs bedroom. Guru’s a musician with a sense of humour so he’d probably have sung Raindrops Were Falling on my Bed.  But it must have been terrifying, what with the sound, and the fury, and the said drops being the size of teacups. 

That’s why they should stop naming destructive storms after meek and not so great comedians. Milton Berle springs to mind….

…Guy falls down a flight of steps. Bystander asks: “Did you miss a step?”

Guy: “No, I hit every one of them.” 

You get the point. Storms should be named appropriately, for all their destructive power and potential. Like Beryl (the Peril) or Cyrus (the Virus). Now, those are excellent substitutes. Even Anthrax, Beetlejuice, Mephistopheles or Cujo are horror-appropriate replacements.

There’s no end of alternative names.  Starting with A, there’s Armageddon, for instance. 

If you can’t spell the word, don’t worry. Neither can most six graders and, anyway, it’s not like it’s the end of the world or anything. 

Having said that, people must agree on the basics. But there are still Neanderthals out there. There is Marjorie Greene, for instance, a Congresswoman who claims President Biden’s government has the power to transform a Meek Downpour into the Tyrannosaurus Rex of Hurricanes, that he created Hurricane Milton out of nothing. 

And this was the fellow they’d been mocking as Sleepy Joe, the old geezer who helped draft Lincoln’s Gettysburg address! 

Now He’s God?

ENDS

OUT OF THE BAG AND ON TO THE ROAD 

I must confess I’m more a dog person than one of those cat types. 

It’s something most people readily understand. Dogs are unselfish creatures that simply ooze adoration every time it sees you. Every time, all the time. Or to put it another way, a dog is a nicer person that the average person. 

Cats are a different breed. They are fastidious creatures that allow us the pleasure of their company, we don’t own them. And they’re calculating as all hell, always giving you that measured, what’s-in-it-for-me look.

In fact, they can sit and regard you silently for ages, which can creep you out until you realise it’s wondering when Moron’s going to open the door so it can go out! 

Cats are, apparently, the only mammals that cannot taste sweetness which is why they walk around with a perpetually superior attitude that vacillates between condescension and hauteur. Man has diagnosed it as a disagreeable expression which is how the term sourpuss evolved. 

You might say I’m a tad prejudiced against the species. That’s why I was pleasantly surprised to read about a cat that traversed almost the length of the United States – from Wyoming to California – and lived to tell the tail.

When Benny and Susanne Anguiano planned a camping trip to Yellowstone National Park with their two cats, little did they know that catastrophe lurked around the corner.  

The term could also be applied to one of their cats. It isn’t clear if Islamic law mandates a public flogging for cat owners who name a cat Rayne Beau – pronounced “Rainbow” – but I guess there’s no rest for the hoity-toity. 

The couple plus their two cats arrived at Yellowstone’s Fishing Bridge RV Park on June 4. It was the first trip to the forest for the two cats. On hindsight, this might have been a mistake and a pre-trip briefing to the felines might have been in order. 

It wasn’t done and, sure enough, Murphy’s Law prevailed. Soon after they arrived, Rayne Beau got startled and ran, panic-stricken, into the nearby trees.

The couple looked for him for four days, even laying out his favourite treats and toys. When they finally had to drive back to Salinas, California, on June 8, Susanne Anguiano said she was “crushed” but nevertheless, had this feline.  

“We were entering the Nevada desert and all of a sudden I see a double rainbow. And I took a picture of it and I thought, that’s a sign. That’s a sign for our rainbow that he’s going to be okay,” she said. 

The reader  would do well to question Ms Anguiano’s smoking habits at this point, but she was, apparently, dope-free and dead serious. 

In August, the Anguianos received amazing news. A  microchip company messaged them that their cat was at the Society for the Prevention of Cruelty to Animals in Roseville, California. That’s almost  900 miles (1,448 kilometers) from Yellowstone and only 200 miles (322 kilometers) away from Salinas.

A woman saw Rayne Beau wandering the streets of the northern California city fed him and gave him water until she took him to the local SPCA.

The next day, the Anguianos picked up the cat, 

“I believe truly that he made that trek mostly on his own. His paws were really beat up. Lost 40% of his body weight, had really low protein levels because of inadequate nutrition. So he was not cared for,” Susanne Anguiano said. 

For all that, the cat only lost 6 pounds.

The cat couldn’t understand the fuss. All it wanted to do was to sleep after changing its name. His new moniker is Beau Legged for obvious reasons. 

Now isn’t that a pawsome story? 

ENDS