For those of you who don’t know, Jeffrey Dahmer was the complete psychopath. Like Hannibal Lecter, he often dined on his victims. 

He was finally murdered by a fellow inmate in a US prison, which you might say was his just desserts. But if he ever wrote a book, it would probably be titled The Body Shop. 

OK, I made that up, but the following books are the real thing.  

David Benatar must have been a real misanthrope because he sounds like he really dreads life. His book is titled Better Never to Have Been: The Harm of Coming into Existence. Avery Monson seems equally miserable because his is titled All My Friends Are Dead.

Meanwhile, Yoga Pants, Minivans and Selfies might give Zen and the Art of Motorcycle Maintenance a run for its money where book titles coming out of left field are concerned. 

And what would the Vatican have made of Christopher’s Moore’s Lamb?

According to the book’s sub-title, it’s the Gospel according to Biff, Christ’s Childhood Pal. It’s a wry, often moving, take on Jesus’s lost years. It went on to become a serious best seller. 

The American Association of Patriots has actually come out with How to Talk to Your Cat About Gun Safety, while Judy Sheindlin seems embittered about something: Beauty Fades, Dumb is Forever. 

673126 – presumably his inmate number – is recruiting with How to Be a Drug Dealer, while Robert Rankin has the interestingly-titled Sex and Drugs and Sausage Rolls. Rankin has also got the killer Nostradamus Ate My Hamster and the sinisterly-named The Hollow Chocolate Bunnies of the Apocalypse.

Meanwhile, Paul Photenhauer seems to have a fixation with sperm. His two books are, respectively, Natural Harvest (a collection of semen-based recipes) and Semenology: A Semen Bartender’s Handbook. 

It may be best to avoid his parties. 

Ann Druffel has some practical advice – How to Defend Yourself Against Alien Abduction – while Marilyn Schwartz stresses the importance of a girl’s choice of sorority – A Southern Belle Primer: Why Princess Margaret Will Never Be a Kappa. Kappa, Gamma.  

Dr Stephen Larkin PhD has some surprisingly risqué advice: Beat Your Way to the Top – Masturbation as a Technique for Business Success.  

David Sedaris must have had Arnold Schwarzenegger in mind when he wrote Me Talk Pretty One Day. 

And no, it wasn’t Donald Trump who wrote Anyone Can Be Cool…But Awesome Takes Practice. It was Lorraine Peterson.

Apparently, anyone can do it. Goblin-proofing One’s Chicken Coop and Gnome-proofing Your Garden are both books by Reginald Berkeley. 

B Koz has a thing about being masculine. His books include The Manly Art of Knitting and 50 Ways to Use Feminine Hygiene Products in a Manly Manner. 

Theo Lorenz clearly has issues. Consider his Unicorns Are Jerks. 

Two women seem to have a thing about balls. One, Melissa Haynes, also has a death wish – Learning to Play With a Lion’s Testicles. The other, Mary Pierce thinks castration is the way forward – Goodbye Testicles.

Matthew Inman has some tips for pet owners in How To Tell If Your Cat is Plotting To Kill You, while psychiatrist Michael Bennett claims to have the answer to all problems – F@ck Feelings: One Shrink’s Practical Advice for Managing All Life’s Impossible Problems. 

And there you have it. 

ENDS