Month: July 2024

WHAT’S IN A WORD?

The English language throws up occasional oddities that can be vastly entertaining.

There is, for example, the malaprop which takes its name from a character (Mrs. Malaprop) in an 18th Century play by Richard Sheridan. The lady frequently misspeaks (to great comic effect) by using words that do not have the meaning she intends, but which sound similar to words that do.  

It’s since been taken up to an art-form by Archie Bunker’s character in the 1970s sitcom All In The Family. 

It wasn’t always Archie though. There was this witness who swore to tell the truth, the whole truth and nothing but the truth as “Bob is my witless.” 

Even so, you might say Archie didn’t often make sense: “If my dead father was alive to hear that, it would kill him.” 

He certainly didn’t like feminists: “Most of ‘em  have more hismones than hermones.”  

Or theology: “You’d think I was Lazarus rising from the bed. And he was firmly against Eyetalian food because “it causes garlic stones.”

Then there are misspokements, an American word to describe an amusing, unintended verbal gaffe – as in “I remember your name perfectly but I just can’t think of your  face.” This was from US academic Herbert Spooner, thereby creating the first Spoonerism. He also said “a well-boiled icicle” when he meant “a well-oiled bicycle.” Many have followed in its wake since: “Talk of the black calling the kettle pot.” 

US Presidents were often guilty of slipping up. “Status quo, you know, that is Latin for the mess we’re in” (Ronald Reagan). Or, “I’m surprised, frankly, at the amount of distrust in this town, and I’m sorry it’s the case, and I’ll work hard to try to elevate it.”  (George W Bush who had a special category – Bushisms – created just for him.)

Perhaps there would not have been an Iraq problem had the President only listened to where his Defense Secretary Donald Rumsfeld thought the weapons of mass destruction were. “We know where they are: they are in the area around Tikrit and Baghdad, and east, west, south, and north somewhat.”  

Mr. Rumsfeld took pride in being as clear as the Mississippi in flood. 

The film producer Sam Goldwyn was a legendary artist at  misspoken sentences. “Coffee isn’t my cup of tea,” ranks right up there with the best of them.  Or his view on the frugality:  “Spare no expense to make everything as economical as possible.” 

The undisputed giant among all these names was Yogi Berra, a baseball player and manager whose malaprops, non-sequiturs and nonsense sentences, said in all seriousness, made him a press favorite. 

“I guess that’s the earliest I’ve ever been late” – on punctuality

“The towels were so thick there, I could hardly close my suitcase” – on his hotel room.

“Yeah, what paper you write for, Ernie?” – after being introduced to Ernest Hemingway   

“How long have you known me, Jack?…And you still don’t know how to spell my name?” – on receiving a cheque made out to Bearer.

“And they give you cash which is just as good as money” – after doing a commercial. 

“Shut up and talk” – ? 

ENDS

MAN OF THE EAR 

The world has been having an earful of Donald Trump lately.

Ever since an  assassination attempt against the man failed last week, the Democrats are beginning to resign themselves to Trump 2.0 next year. It’s tied to a growing realisation that the man has the luck of the Devil. 

Apparently, the Donald turned his head ever so slightly at the exact time the shooter – the late, if unlamented, Thomas Crooks – pressed the trigger. It caused the bullet to pierce an ear instead of the head ergo the body had the luck of the devil. 

Trump himself had no such illusions although he often brooded on the luck of some people.  They were deep questions that often kept him awake at night like, how else can you explain the success of a loser like Obama?

Skill was another thing altogether. Take golf, for instance. It was clearly a question of his ability against his opponent’s luck.

President Biden’s luck, unfortunately, may be running out faster than a New York minute. At 81, he has the dubious distinction of being the oldest US President ever and there are concerns about his physical and mental ability. 

On the plus side, he’s learning new things continually. Example: he recently found out what people meant when they mentioned Sinai: he’d always assumed it was the plural of sinus.

Even so, the concerns over his health have snowballed to the extent that Democratic party stalwarts have been pressuring Mr Biden to throw in the towel.  At the time of writing, there are, in fact,  rumours that he will step aside over the weekend. 

Whether this will improve the Democrats’ chances is a moot point at this stage. It increasingly looks like the next President of the US will be a greenhouse-gassing, oil- drilling, Bible-thumping, right-to-life’ing Republican whose model of a good leader is Vladimir Putin and whose idea of Public Enemy Number One is China. 

When growing up, according to writer Richard Kay, “Donald Trump wanted a bicycle more than anything else so he prayed for one every night and nothing happened. Finally, he figured out the Plain Truth, which was stealing one and praying for forgiveness afterwards.”

That was the prelude. But the Donald of today may have been best described by Josh Billings, a long-dead humorist who characterised an acquaintance as “so prone to exaggerations that he could not tell the truth without lying.” Or, as American satirist Pat Paulsen remarked: “I must choose my words carefully in order to avoid any negative interpretation: among politicians, this is a tactic known as lying.” 

During his debate with President Biden, the Donald’s statements were peppered with falsehoods, some of which had been repeated so often that he considered them Gospel. Even so, the confidence and authority with which he delivered the lies won the audience. Who’d have thought: Goebbels was the man. 

Donald Trump could not comprehend the animus against him because he really thought he was the better man. And he knew he was right because his   critics were just a bunch of America-bashing, pot-smoking, flag-burning, yoga-posing, incense-burning, tree-hugging, dolphin-saving, salmon-eating hypocrites. 

He was going to show them: he would be the best President the US ever had, even better than Jesus. 

ENDS

A CONTEST FOR THE AGES

Retirement at 65 is ridiculous: when I was 65, I still had pimples – Comedian George Burns

Happiness is nothing more than good health and a bad memory – Physician and theologian Albert Schweitzer

Anyone can get old. It was easy, noted comedian Groucho Marx, “all you have to do is live long enough.”

Unfortunately, it’s being held against US President Joe Biden, 81.  Compared to him, apparently, Malaysia’s 99-year-old Mahathir Mohamad comes across as the German who discovered relativity and we all know our Albert is no Einstein.

The President’s re-election bid against a resurgent Donald Trump isn’t looking good, especially after a recent televised debate with his opponent ignited concerns about his age, health and mental ability: the President often appeared shaky and confused.

So far, however, the Democrats who have urged him to abandon his 2024 election bid have been few. That could change in a heartbeat: on Wednesday, Hollywood actor and Democratic supporter George Clooney called on Biden not to stand, and party grandee Nancy Pelosi stopped short of backing him.

A new poll released Thursday showed more than half of Democrats say Biden should end his bid for a second term, and two thirds of Americans believe he should quit the race. But the debate did not seem to have moved the overall battle with Trump, with the former president and the incumbent remaining in a dead heat on 46 per cent, according to the Washington Post-ABC News-Ipsos survey.

It’s not hard to understand why.

The President is suspected of showing his age, of forgetting what he’s already forgotten and, by the Republicans, of being “in the prime of his senility.”

The White House has denied all these allegations but some of his staffers are beginning to wonder. He likes giving advice, one staffer recalls, “one day he took me aside and left me there.”

Mr Trump, 78, also has a bad memory which the Republicans extol as a sure sign of a clear conscience. For his part, the Donald has boasted that his memory is as good as an elephant. So good in fact, that “they often consult me.”

You can see why the American voter might feel stuck between a rock and a hard place. Or, phrased more elegantly, torn between a forgetful old coot and a lying sack of potatoes.

Mr Biden has given fewer news conferences than his predecessors, and recent ones have only been with foreign leaders, restricted to two questions each.

Coupled with a lack of interviews, it has led critics to accuse the White House of shielding the effects of age on America’s oldest president.

Mr Biden has called his debate meltdown a “bad night,” blaming it on a cold and jet lag.

Mr Clooney tried to torpedo the narrative that it was a one-off, saying it was “devastating” to admit but the signs were also clear at a June 15 fundraiser in Los Angeles he hosted

Sleepy Joe thought it was better to be forgetful because he suspected everything looked bad if you remembered it. But he knew he was a better man than the Putin-praising, greenhouse gas-emitting, ozone-depleting, seal-clubbing, trash-talking, lie-spraying hellhound that was the Donald.

The trick was to remember it. 

ENDS

THE BUCKET LIST 

Virus – a Latin term in medicine meaning, “your guess is as good as mine.” 

In 1988, President George Bush – the father, not the son – campaigned on a “things are looking up” plank. In fact, his theme song was Bobby McFerin’s   Don’t Worry, Be Happy. 

All that cheerful warbling is, of course, easier said than done when it comes to health. There is Murphy’s Law, for one thing. 

Then, there are statistics. They can be devilishly tricky. Or as Steve Martin put ii, “Somewhere out there is…the world’s worst doctor… and he could be yours.”

It’s best not to take chances.  Example: Take one apple every eight hours: it’ll keep three doctors away. 

More seriously, and going completely by anecdotal evidence, one gets the impression cancer cases are rising. Indeed, this was a casual observation by a friend the other day and it got me thinking. 

He’s right. 

And it’s a disturbing worldwide trend where new cancer cases among young people have been increasing sharply.

According to a 2024 study, early-onset cancers, defined as cancer cases diagnosed in people under 50, increased globally by a staggering 79%. 

Even so, the vast majority of cases are in older people. Standout gloomy fact: one in two people will develop some form of cancer during their lifetime.

On a more cheery note, Malaysia is not on the list of the 50 most cancer-prone countries in the world. This ranking is based on nations with the highest number of cases per 100,000. 

The bulk of these countries are, for want of a better word, Caucasian. This is, most likely, traceable to skin cancers from sunlight. Not surprisingly, Australia comes in at the top of the list. 

Incidentally, skin cancers generally have the least fatal outcomes. Or, to quote a doctor friend of mine: “If you had to have cancer, you’d be best served with skin.” OK, a bit Hannibal Lecter-esque but there you are. 

But I digress. We were talking high risk countries weren’t we?   

The first Asian country on the list is South Korea (14) followed, surprisingly, by Singapore (42). We should not leap to any conclusions, of course, but it’s not looking good for kim-chi.

As for countries with the lowest cancer rates, the top five are, in order, Japan, Finland, Sweden, Iceland and Norway.

Scientists think the Japanese diet, which is high in vegetables, salmon and green tea, explains this finding.  Meanwhile, the low levels of sunlight and the diets – fish – in the other, mainly-Caucasian, countries help explain their relatively low rates.

The good news is that Asian and Pacific islanders have the lowest risk of cancer in the world. The bad news is that they are more susceptible to liver and bowel tumours.   

The best defence against the scourge is, apparently, regular exercise, non-obesity and a good diet – green tea and Omega-3-rich foods like salmon. 

Regular  check-ups don’t hurt: the prognosis, after early detection, is almost always excellent. 

Cancer is so dreaded the world over that it took Woody Allen to put it in perspective: “The most beautiful words in the English language are not “I love you” but … “benign.”

But to avoid cancer altogether, one must not age. And for that to happen, regular naps are counselled, especially while driving. 

ENDS