Monday is an awful way to spend 1/7th of your life – Comedian George Carlin 

It was Mark Twain who perfectly summed up the art of living: “Let us so live that when we come to die, even the undertaker will be sorry.”  

Now what do you think Kim Jong Un’s funeral director would feel?

One suspects sorry wouldn’t be the word. Exuberance would be closer the mark.

The man is officially known as Dear Leader and unofficially as His First Fatness. The Central Intelligence Agency, however, preferred Idiot Central.

It isn’t hard to see why. Under his careful, meticulous and painstaking watch, North Korea evolved from a poor, backward and isolated nation into an impoverished, primitive and even more remote country.  

But Fathead knew something that the whole world knew as well. North Korea had more nukes than it knew what to do with. It was also the only reason why the world had to listen when he was in Full Boast Mode.  

This happened frequently and for no apparent reason other than his deep, abiding and intense suspicion that Seoul was out to get him. 

To allay those fears, North Korea often carries out missile “drills”. On Thursday, for example, North Korea said it fired 18 short-range ballistic missiles during a drill as a demonstration of its willingness to launch a pre-emptive strike against South Korea’s “gangsters’ regime.”

Fathead himself, apparently,  guided the firing drill of 600mm “super-large” multiple rocket launchers, state news agency KCNA reported.

To underscore the threat, North Korea added that a tactical nuclear weapon could be fitted on to such missiles.

Idiot C urged readiness by the country’s nuclear force to carry out the mission of war deterrence as well as taking the initiative. 

The man’s capacity for invective and threatening bluster is amazing given Seoul’s restraint: it has long ago given up admonishing its northern neighbour, preferring instead to develop and become more prosperous.  

Even so, it allows US bases on its soil. Seoul has also made no secret that those US bases come with nuclear capacity. 

This is, of course, a legacy of history, of the Korean War of the 1950s.

One suspects, however, that it is Seoul’s prosperity that really gets Loony’s goat. 

South Korea is a First World country, a member of the Organisation for Economic Development and Cooperation (OECD) with living standards to match. 

To put it in all its galling perspective, the South’s economy is 60 times larger than the one His Plumpness fashioned. Moreover, South Korea has succeeded in exporting its culture abroad, a feat unmatched by almost any other Asian nation. 

Seoul has thrived under various leaders while, starting with his grandfather’s rule, the people of North Korea have never feasted and, indeed, have frequently starved. 

Apparently, Fathead is just an average Joe who loves beer, cheeseburgers and US basketball. That’s according to US basketball legend Dennis Rodman who spent a week in Pyongyang at Fatso’s invitation. Rodman pronounced him a “cool” dude.

Perhaps the former Chicago Bulls’ star was lucky he didn’t catch His Rotundity in a foul temper. 

According to a report in South Korean media, Fatso once got so angry at a general that he had him shot by an anti-aircraft battery. 

Gives you the smithereens, I mean the shivers. 

ENDS